Sooo, in 8 minutes it will officially be my due date, and this baby is still so far from being born :( I had a doctor appointment today, and it SUCKED. First of all last week, my doc was on vacation so I saw some midwife that works in the same hospital. She checked me, and said I was a fingertip dilated (about 1 centimeter) and 90% effaced. Not the best news, but at least it was some progress. Well today, when my real doctor checked me (which I had to ask him to do - strange), he said that I am still only at 1 centimeter, but that the midwife was wrong and I'm not at 90% effaced! Argh! We're going in the wrong direction here! The tiny glimmer of hope I had that someday this science experiment in my body might actually end was crushed. And then, to kick me when I was already down, I had to schedule a 41 week appointment. That's just mean... Oh, and he won't even talk about inducing me until after that appointment. UGH. I've wanted this and have been waiting for it for so long. Is it too much to ask that I finally get it? Not to mention the fact that being this pregnant is completely miserable, and it would be wonderful to not be suffering anymore.
Also, people need to stop telling me to enjoy this while it lasts. YOU may think that life ends when you have kids, but I do not. I am very much looking forward to this. Just because your life sucks and your kids made you miserable does NOT mean that mine will be the same. So do me a favor, and just keep your opinions to yourself.
Tuesday, August 31, 2010
Friday, August 13, 2010
Self Betterment?
First of all, is betterment even a real world? I suppose I could look it up...Nah.
Anyway. I've been meaning to write this for a couple days now. I wanted to write it when it happened but I figured that at 6 in the morning, I should probably try to sleep rather than go blog. And now that I'm sitting here, ready to go, my thoughts are becoming a big jumble of nothing. So bare with me, this may not make a whole lot of sense.
So, the other night Andy and I were up talking all night. Like actually talking, which doesn't happen near enough. As much as I hate to admit it, he had some really good points, and made me realize some things that I didn't see. And I also came to a somewhat shocking, somewhat painful realization: Somewhere in the last couple years, I lost track of who I am.
I've always thought of myself as a relatively nice person...at least as much as the next person.
I've been mistaken.
At one time, yes, I was a compassionate, kind person. I'm not anymore. I have become a selfish, mean spirited bitch. Don't get me wrong, I'm not a completely horrible person. There are still people who love me and want to be around me for more than 5 minutes at a time. But, there are not a lot of people that I enjoy being around for more than the same period of time. I have developed an "intense dislike" (because I don't want to use the word hatred) of people in general. I've become so jaded that I can't, or won't, see people as even just background noise. I see them as a nuisance, something I'd rather just be rid of. I loathe going out even just to run errands because it seems like every minor to major even was designed purely to inconvenience or bother me. Yes, I know how self-centered that sounds, and I guess it is. But it really seems that way. I cannot go out to do the simplest thing without some jackass doing something to piss me off. I hate people for no reason, or for something so trifling, most people wouldn't even notice. That's incredibly unfair, but that's just how I am.
Anyone who really knows me, knows that I've been through a lot of shit in my life. I've seen my fair share of turmoil through the years. Millions of others have it far worse than I ever did, but that's not to say that the abuses I've suffered count for nothing and haven't profoundly affected who I am. While I have come a long way and am a hell of a lot mentally healthier than I used to be, there are still demons that I struggle with, some on a daily basis. And there are people, some still in my life and some who are long gone, who are responsible for that. Some I have at least partially forgiven, and some I wouldn't mind being burned at the stake. What Andy made me realize is that I am holding the entire world responsible for the actions of a few. And that is completely unfair. These random people on the street have done nothing to me. It's not their fault that I spent years wanting to die. And yet I have a level of wrath for them as though they held the knife to my skin themselves.
You may wonder how I could go about my life with this constant level of anger and hate, and not realize that it was completely uncalled for. Yeah, you would think someone would notice that. Well, I didn't until now. I guess I'm just a little behind the ball game.
Now, had I come to this realization at any other point in my life, I probably would have said something along the lines of, "Oh well, I'm not actually hurting anyone, so who gives a fuck why I'm angry?" Buuuut, I'm about to be a mother. And that is NOT the kind of role model I want to be for my son. I want him to live a life if happiness and kindness, not one of constant anger and frustration. Also, who am I to doom him to that kind of life? That would just be wrong.
So, for the last couple days, I've been trying to be less angry and more open minded towards people. It's more difficult than you would think. I can't say that I've been completely different, but I am trying to not let things bother me as much. And when dumb things do annoy me, I try to think about the bigger picture. Is it really a big deal that the people in front of me checking out at the store have 8,410 things and the checkout person is going for the Slowest Checker In The Universe Award, and they are going to make me 5 minutes later than I expected? No.
So, wish me luck on trying to change almost 23 years' culmination of a bad way of thinking into something more positive.
Anyway. I've been meaning to write this for a couple days now. I wanted to write it when it happened but I figured that at 6 in the morning, I should probably try to sleep rather than go blog. And now that I'm sitting here, ready to go, my thoughts are becoming a big jumble of nothing. So bare with me, this may not make a whole lot of sense.
So, the other night Andy and I were up talking all night. Like actually talking, which doesn't happen near enough. As much as I hate to admit it, he had some really good points, and made me realize some things that I didn't see. And I also came to a somewhat shocking, somewhat painful realization: Somewhere in the last couple years, I lost track of who I am.
I've always thought of myself as a relatively nice person...at least as much as the next person.
I've been mistaken.
At one time, yes, I was a compassionate, kind person. I'm not anymore. I have become a selfish, mean spirited bitch. Don't get me wrong, I'm not a completely horrible person. There are still people who love me and want to be around me for more than 5 minutes at a time. But, there are not a lot of people that I enjoy being around for more than the same period of time. I have developed an "intense dislike" (because I don't want to use the word hatred) of people in general. I've become so jaded that I can't, or won't, see people as even just background noise. I see them as a nuisance, something I'd rather just be rid of. I loathe going out even just to run errands because it seems like every minor to major even was designed purely to inconvenience or bother me. Yes, I know how self-centered that sounds, and I guess it is. But it really seems that way. I cannot go out to do the simplest thing without some jackass doing something to piss me off. I hate people for no reason, or for something so trifling, most people wouldn't even notice. That's incredibly unfair, but that's just how I am.
Anyone who really knows me, knows that I've been through a lot of shit in my life. I've seen my fair share of turmoil through the years. Millions of others have it far worse than I ever did, but that's not to say that the abuses I've suffered count for nothing and haven't profoundly affected who I am. While I have come a long way and am a hell of a lot mentally healthier than I used to be, there are still demons that I struggle with, some on a daily basis. And there are people, some still in my life and some who are long gone, who are responsible for that. Some I have at least partially forgiven, and some I wouldn't mind being burned at the stake. What Andy made me realize is that I am holding the entire world responsible for the actions of a few. And that is completely unfair. These random people on the street have done nothing to me. It's not their fault that I spent years wanting to die. And yet I have a level of wrath for them as though they held the knife to my skin themselves.
You may wonder how I could go about my life with this constant level of anger and hate, and not realize that it was completely uncalled for. Yeah, you would think someone would notice that. Well, I didn't until now. I guess I'm just a little behind the ball game.
Now, had I come to this realization at any other point in my life, I probably would have said something along the lines of, "Oh well, I'm not actually hurting anyone, so who gives a fuck why I'm angry?" Buuuut, I'm about to be a mother. And that is NOT the kind of role model I want to be for my son. I want him to live a life if happiness and kindness, not one of constant anger and frustration. Also, who am I to doom him to that kind of life? That would just be wrong.
So, for the last couple days, I've been trying to be less angry and more open minded towards people. It's more difficult than you would think. I can't say that I've been completely different, but I am trying to not let things bother me as much. And when dumb things do annoy me, I try to think about the bigger picture. Is it really a big deal that the people in front of me checking out at the store have 8,410 things and the checkout person is going for the Slowest Checker In The Universe Award, and they are going to make me 5 minutes later than I expected? No.
So, wish me luck on trying to change almost 23 years' culmination of a bad way of thinking into something more positive.
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