Uncharted Territory

It's been 10ish months since I posted. Shocking, I know. I suck at blogging. To quickly catch up: After a very long, and somewhat risky pregnancy, I had a healthy, perfect baby boy at the end of June. I'll get to his birth story at some point. AJ has entered the Terrible 2's, and is testing my patience every day. We're struggling financially, but should it will get better this fall when I start school. More on that later too. My dad died 3 days after Jackson was born....which leads me to the subject of this post.

I'm really struggling to figure out and deal with how I feel about Dad. He hadn't shown up for work in 2 days and his boss had called to see what was going on. Jim went to his house to check on him. Sitting here waiting for news felt like forever. At that point I didn't think anything was really wrong, even though the sinking feeling in my stomach deepened with every minute that passed. When I got the voicemail saying that he had died, I was so shocked. I felt like I was punched in the gut. And then I went numb. I didn't let myself feel anything. I kept myself busy with AJ and Jackson, and tried not to think. It was suprisingly easy. The day of the funeral, though, I had to work at it. I was desperate to not break down in public. And for the most part, I managed to do it. I was fine during the visitation. I cried during the funeral service, but we were in the front row so no one saw it. The burial was the hard part. Seeing the box lowered into the ground...having to leave it there...

I still don't really let myself deal with it. I'm alright during the day, but every night when I go to bed my thoughts always turn to him. It still doesn't even really seem real. How can he just be gone? He had just been at our house the day before he died to meet Jackson. Before then, it had been several weeks since I'd seen him. We were on civil terms, but not close by any means. I've never forgiven him for everything he's done to me and Mom. If it weren't for Andy, I don't even know how often I'd have been willing to see him. Now he's gone, and I wish things could have been different. I don't regret my decision to mostly cut him out of my life. I had every reason to do it. He had been better since we moved back to Wisconsin. He was always on good behavior around me. It was just too little too late though.

So now, I'm sitting here listening to Pink Floyd, which was his favorite band (as well as mine), and trying to figure out where I stand. I'm sad. I don't know if I miss him, or miss the relationship I wish we could have had. I can't just forget the years of pain that he caused. But how can you stay mad at someone who's dead? I'm confused.

Ahhhhh!

Oh, man. I POAS today and got a BFP. And I really don't know how I feel about it. I'm excited, yes. But I'm also trying to be cautious and not get TOO excited. It's possible that it's just leftover hormones from before. I don't think it is, but it's possible. It's also possible that this is a chemical pregnancy. I'm scared. I don't know what to expect. I'm calling my doctor's office tomorrow and that makes me nervous too. They have a policy of not seeing women until they are 8 weeks. I want to go tomorrow, and again on Monday to have my hcg levels checked to see if they're growing like they should be. I'm also only 13 DPO, which worries me. The test showed positive almost instantly, which is either really good or really bad. It could mean that this is a good, sticky baby and everything is progressing well. It could also mean that it's leftover hormones. Gahh. I'm trying not to get too worked up over it. Stress is bad. But how can I not worry? Losing our baby last month was devastating. I don't know if I can handle going through that again...

Wish me luck.

Square 1

I do not like today. Nope, not one little bit. I found out my cousin is pregnant. She's due 4 days after I was supposed to be. I feel like the knife that is permanently stuck in my chest got twisted around a few times. I had been doing pretty well at getting back to normal, and now I feel like I'm back at square one.

I'm happy for her, I really am. But it's going to hurt every time she hits a milestone that I should be experiencing as well. Feeling the baby kick for the first time, going for the ultra-exciting 20 week ultrasound.... I won't be doing any of it. I'm totally feeling sorry for myself tonight.

If you need me, I'll be drinking myself (hopefully) numb.

Rollercoaster

As good as I felt like I was doing yeterday, is how bad I felt today. I was sad as soon as I woke up. I went and got the mail, and had 2 things that made me cry. The first was a packet from my doctor's office that I was supposed to fill out before my first OB appointment....an appointment I won't be going to. :( I also got a sympathy card from my mother in law, and that made me cry too. Knowing that this has hurt people I care about cuts me just as deep as my own pain does. This is why I didn't want to tell people for a while.

On a positive note, I got a call back from the insurance lady, and they will be covering my office visit and the ultrasound from last week. This is big because I don't technically have insurance at the moment. It would have started as soon as I sent them "proof of pregnancy" after my first doctor appointment. So, because they didn't get their proof, I didn't know if they would pay for it or not. Thankfully, they are, and I have one less thing to worry about.

I'm still not smoking. Today I went and got some nicotine lozenges to help with the cravings. I could feel my resolve crumbling, and I knew I had to do something or I would cave. Keeping busy just isn't cutting it.

AJ and I walked 4 miles this evening. I enjoyed walking before, but now it feels like my only way of finding peace. I don't know what I'm going to do once winter comes.

Healing

I've been doing better the last couple days. It's really quite strange - losing this baby hurts so much more than the previous two, but I am handling it so much better this time. It might be because I have a better support system. It might be my little AJ smiling at me all day. (Who can resist that little face?!). Maybe it's just because I've been down this road before and I know the drill. I know that I can't allow myself to get lost in my pain. Don't get me wrong, I'm letting myself grieve. I have to. What I am not doing is letting myself wallow in pain and get lost in it. I have to stay grounded. It's hard to find a balance. I'm still sad. I have tears in my eyes as I type this. But I'm also okay. AJ and I went out for a while on Saturday. While it about killed me to see all the pregnant women walking around (and believe me, they were everywhere), it was good to get out of the house. I've been fighting feelings of guilt, though. When I'm playing with AJ or doing one of the million things I've been up to to keep myself occupied, I'll forget for a little while. And then I remember, and feel guilty that I forgot for a while. I know that sounds stupid, but I feel like it's wrong for me to not be thinking about it.


On a somewhat different note, this experience has shown me who I can really count on and who I can't. Andy and Mom have been wonderful, both giving me either support or space as I need it. A few of my friends have checked on me in the last few days to see how I'm holding up and if I need anything. I truly appreciate that. And then there are a couple people that I have tried to reach out to, and have gotten nothing. Which is fine. I have learned not to expect anything from people. It's good to know where those people stand though. Knowledge is power, right?

Day From Hell

Tuesday, September 6, 2011 was my baby boy's first birthday. It was a day filled with pride, wonder and accomplishment that he, as well as Andy and I, made it through an entire year. For the most part, we're all in one piece. That was also the day I found out that I was pregnant again. We have been trying for another baby, sort of. What I mean is, we were trying, but neither of us thought in a million years that it would happen so soon.

After the Positive, I stood in shock for a minute, just repeating, "Oh my god," over and over again. Then I took a picture of the test and sent it to Andy and Mom. Momma was very excited to be a Grandma again. Andy didn't find out until later because his phone was dead (due to an unfortunate canoe accident a few weeks ago). He called early in the afternoon, and was shocked but happy at the news.

That day, I stopped smoking completely, bought and started taking prenatal vitamins, and went gluten free. I did everything I was supposed to do. As the day went on, my fear of being pregnant again and of being responsible for 2 babies had diminished quite a bit, and I was excited. Very excited. My head was filled with daydreams of baby names and squishy little cheeks. The nicotine withdrawal was kicking my ass, but I was determined to get through it. I had a new life to take care of, and that's what mattered the most.

This morning, I abruptly woke up around 6:30. I felt it the second I regained consciousness. Blood. Please Be Wrong Please Be Wrong Please Be Wrong I chanted in my head as I stumbled to the bathroom.

I wasn't wrong. There it was, bright red and terrifying. I knew what had happened but I couldn't admit it to myself. I paced the house and fought tears until 7:30 when my doctor's office opens. I called and got the earliest appointment they had. After dropping AJ off with Mom, I rushed to the hospital. (Well, I tried to. Every slow, idiot driver was between here and there). After sitting in the waiting room for an eternity, I finally got to see the doctor. She was nice, listened to what I had to say, and after a brief exam, sent me to radiology for an ultrasound. Once there, I waited another eternity (And with a full bladder this time. Loads of fun.) So I finally get back there, where they did an internal and external ultrasound. I couldn't tell what was on the screen, and the technician wouldn't tell me. It was all just blobs in various shades of gray. He sent me back to the doctor, and she confirmed what I already knew. What I had known since the instant I opened my eyes this morning. I had lost the baby.

At this point my memory gets a bit hazy. Throughout the morning there had been slight cracks in my mask of self control, and at this point it crumbled completely and I broke down. I tried to hold it in and couldn't. The doctor was very compassionate. She said something about it probably being a chromosomal abnormality, but they couldn't know for sure. I had already expelled most of the "products of conception" (Could there be any colder of a term for an unborn child?) and would not need a D&C. She gave her apologies, said I could sit in the exam room for as long as I needed to, and was gone. I'm not sure how long I sat there. It may have only been a few minutes, I'm not sure. At some point I got to the car. And then I lost it again, and started the drive home. I managed to call Andy at work, and asked him to come home. I hadn't told him anything yet. I should have told him sooner. I know that. I should have called him as soon as I got up this morning, but I just couldn't. I was holding out a shred of hope that I was wrong, and everything was fine.

Fastforward to now, after pretending on and off all day that I'm ok. I cannot find the words to describe the depth of pain I feel right now. I have suffered 2 miscarriages prior to this one, and both were devastating despite not knowing about the pregnancy before it was too late. But this one seems worse. Physically, it hasn't been bad. The other 2 were excruciating. This one is not. But mentally, I am not in a good place. I feel like a ghost, walking around in my house, with my family, but not really here. I'm lost in my own head. I can't fight the overwhelming feelings of guilt. Maybe it was the cigarettes I smoked before I found out. Maybe it was because of one of my many health problems. Maybe it's because I went on a ride last weekend at the fair.

I feel like a failure. The one thing women are supposed to be able to do, and I can't do it. What the hell does that say about me? I'm failed at what I'm supposed to do in life. I am lucky and thankful to have the beautiful son that I have. Maybe I'm just being selfish to think I deserve to have that luck twice.

I'm sorry to my husband, for not giving him another child; to AJ, for not making him a big brother; and mostly I'm sorry to the Baby for not being able to sustain its Life.

Bad Habits

Tonight is a night where I wish I didn't have to be responsible and could just fall back on my old habits that served me so well in the past. Sleeping pills and being oblivious to the world for 12 hours sounds wonderful.

I'm feeling like I'm locked in a prison, inside myself. At this moment, I'm feeling incredibly alone. I need someone to tell me I'm okay. And there's no one here but me, AJ and the dog. Neither of them are too talkative. The situation is of my own doing. I've built such a wall around myself that very, very few people have the patience to work their way in. Most of the time I'm okay with that. Tonight, I wish I had a support system.

I'm not even sure what my problem is. I realized how un-fun I am. Tonight for example, I'm home watching movies by myself while AJ sleeps. Everyone else is spending their Saturday night out getting shit faced and having fun. If I really wanted to, I could have found a babysitter and gone out. I just honestly don't want to. That lifestyle has no appeal for me anymore. I'm happy to be home with my baby, away from the drama and chaos of the outside world. Sometimes I just wish that I wasn't alone in wanting to be away from it all.

When did I become the person that no one wants around? I wasn't invited to go anywhere tonight. I wasn't NOT invited exactly, and I could have just gone along. But if people wanted me there, they'd ask me to go, right?

I'm just feeling sorry for myself. I guess I should find a distraction...one that doesn't involve a handful of pills and oblivion. I don't know if there is such a thing. Hopefully sleep will come for me tonight. It's been getting harder and harder to shut my mind up and rest. Unfortunately, I can no longer use anything to remedy that. Those days are over.