I've been doing better the last couple days. It's really quite strange - losing this baby hurts so much more than the previous two, but I am handling it so much better this time. It might be because I have a better support system. It might be my little AJ smiling at me all day. (Who can resist that little face?!). Maybe it's just because I've been down this road before and I know the drill. I know that I can't allow myself to get lost in my pain. Don't get me wrong, I'm letting myself grieve. I have to. What I am not doing is letting myself wallow in pain and get lost in it. I have to stay grounded. It's hard to find a balance. I'm still sad. I have tears in my eyes as I type this. But I'm also okay. AJ and I went out for a while on Saturday. While it about killed me to see all the pregnant women walking around (and believe me, they were everywhere), it was good to get out of the house. I've been fighting feelings of guilt, though. When I'm playing with AJ or doing one of the million things I've been up to to keep myself occupied, I'll forget for a little while. And then I remember, and feel guilty that I forgot for a while. I know that sounds stupid, but I feel like it's wrong for me to not be thinking about it.
On a somewhat different note, this experience has shown me who I can really count on and who I can't. Andy and Mom have been wonderful, both giving me either support or space as I need it. A few of my friends have checked on me in the last few days to see how I'm holding up and if I need anything. I truly appreciate that. And then there are a couple people that I have tried to reach out to, and have gotten nothing. Which is fine. I have learned not to expect anything from people. It's good to know where those people stand though. Knowledge is power, right?
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