Tonight is a night where I wish I didn't have to be responsible and could just fall back on my old habits that served me so well in the past. Sleeping pills and being oblivious to the world for 12 hours sounds wonderful.
I'm feeling like I'm locked in a prison, inside myself. At this moment, I'm feeling incredibly alone. I need someone to tell me I'm okay. And there's no one here but me, AJ and the dog. Neither of them are too talkative. The situation is of my own doing. I've built such a wall around myself that very, very few people have the patience to work their way in. Most of the time I'm okay with that. Tonight, I wish I had a support system.
I'm not even sure what my problem is. I realized how un-fun I am. Tonight for example, I'm home watching movies by myself while AJ sleeps. Everyone else is spending their Saturday night out getting shit faced and having fun. If I really wanted to, I could have found a babysitter and gone out. I just honestly don't want to. That lifestyle has no appeal for me anymore. I'm happy to be home with my baby, away from the drama and chaos of the outside world. Sometimes I just wish that I wasn't alone in wanting to be away from it all.
When did I become the person that no one wants around? I wasn't invited to go anywhere tonight. I wasn't NOT invited exactly, and I could have just gone along. But if people wanted me there, they'd ask me to go, right?
I'm just feeling sorry for myself. I guess I should find a distraction...one that doesn't involve a handful of pills and oblivion. I don't know if there is such a thing. Hopefully sleep will come for me tonight. It's been getting harder and harder to shut my mind up and rest. Unfortunately, I can no longer use anything to remedy that. Those days are over.
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